Sleepless Again
by RelapseAndEscape
Summary: Blaine finds Finn's journal, reads it, and is shocked by the contents and how insecure the boy is, and how confused about his sexuality he is. Blaine attempts to boost Finn's confidence, but it always backfires, until he reaches breaking point. SINN.


Blaine Anderson would be lying if he says he's not an insomniac.

Ever since the Sadie Hawkins dance, he'd had trouble falling asleep and staying asleep because of his anxiety complications that are spun on as an aftermath after the dance. Ever since then, he's learned to cope with it, usually by reading. Kurt's shocked when he's been given back all of his _True Blood_ novels in the span of only two weeks.

He's seen the leather-bound journal on Finn's desk, and despite the gnawing feeling in his stomach, he can't help but feel compelled to shove the journal in his book-bag as Kurt scrimmages through Finn's bathroom for his missing contact lenses, which actually end up being in the chronological ordered second drawer of Kurt's room.

Now, in the shadows of his room, he finds it again. It's smaller now than he remembers, or maybe his memory is hazy. There's guilt settling in his stomach but he just can't help it anymore.

The first one is at the beginning of last year, something that makes Blaine bite the inside of his cheek, just before the Karofsky incident and Kurt transferring to Dalton no doubt.

Blaine's fingers curl up against the page.

_"I'm kicked off the football team because I tried to get Artie in and Coach got really mad. I don't feel like I belong anywhere to be honest."_ Blaine reads to himself.

Blaine frowns and flips to the next page. It gets better, right? He hopes. He can't shake this cold feeling in his stomach.

_"I'm back to football. I guess I'm okay now._"

Blaine can feel the level of doubt in Finn's choice of words.

_"Burt got into a coma and Kurt's taking it real hard, but I don't know what to do. When I try to turn to God because of the grilled cheesus thing, I'm like completely shot down because Kurt doesn't believe in God. And I'm kind of pissed that nobody tells me until later and that Mercedes knows before me. He's almost like my Dad too…I've got to go. Kurt's going to the hospital again and I have to be there. Not like he notices that I'm there anymore."_

Blaine's mind is reeling. He knows Kurt's been through something as he is more mature than most people, but he doesn't know that it's that. His mind is filled with lead right now.

_"I think Kurt's angry at me because I told him not to do a duet with Sam because I'm sure that Sam's not gay and I'm really kind of sad for that because I hate it when Kurt's this mad or feels this insulted. I mean, I'm not gay so I don't know how it's like, but it doesn't mean that I want to see him get hurt. The thing is…I'm kind of confused about it now. I think…I think that Sam's really hot too….and I don't know if it's normal but I really am attracted to him. I'm afraid to say it to Kurt though." _

Blaine knows that Finn must be a little confused about taking in Kurt's sexuality in terms of how to handle such situations but since now that he knows Sam, he can be safe to say that a duet would've freaked the boy out since he's sure that he's straight and a 'cute gay guy' has a crush on him. Blaine bites his inner cheek. He knows his Father himself is very confused with how to handle Blaine, so he can see Finn's point of view in that, but he can't help but also side with his boyfriend. He also is slightly shocked to see that Finn himself isn't a hundred percent sure on his sexuality, which could have affected his judgment on the entire ordeal.

_"I have like huge body issues and this assignment just made them like really, really bad. I don't have abs like Sam or Puck or Mike or anyone I know. I'm just kind of round and doughy and it annoys me. I don't know if anyone else can see it but I CAN. And it's annoying the hell out of me. I can't stand it anymore. I did something stupid too when I walked through the whole school in my underwear because it's my costume and I wanted to get comfy in it and then Mr Figgins gets all up in my face and he tells me that people had to have THERAPY because of my body. They had to have THERAPY. Oh God. Oh God. I'm like a mess. Rache says that guys don't even have these issues so…I don't know. I'm really messed up about it to be honest."_

Blaine stares at the page again. His body issues are completely ignored by Rachel, whose now definitely his girlfriend? He feels sick. The one time Kurt mentions that he admits that his hair is weird, Blaine quickly jumps to his defence and says that his hair's amazing and has even bought him an expensive hair-care product just so he can prove that he thinks that his hair's worth it.

Blaine continues on reading to himself in the softness of the night.

_"Azimio and Karofsky won't leave Kurt alone and they won't leave me alone either. They're starting to scare the shit out of me and I can't protect Kurt because I'm scared shitless of them too. I know it's not very…I don't know? Manly of me to say that but I'm really scared of them too. I can't say anything though. Karofsky threatened to pound Kurt's face in if I say anything and Azimio just likes making fun of me. Whenever I try to hit back, they like outsmart me or something and I always end up on the loose edge. I don't know what to do and the thing is I'm a dude. I'm like one of those really strong football players on these movies that can beat the crap out of people if I want to but I CAN'T. I don't know. And Kurt's got this new friend from Dalton – I think his name is Blaine – and Kurt says that he's helping him stand up to Karofsky. I'm just afraid Blaine will hurt Kurt because from what Kurt told me, he's gay too." _

Blaine pauses for a moment. The same Karofsky that sent Kurt running for Dalton. The same Karofsky has been giving Finn problems too but everyone thinks that Finn can handle himself. And he nearly laughs when he is being introduced and that in the journal; Finn actually _misspells_ his name, which is adorable. Finn's overprotectiveness of Kurt is rather endearing abut at the same time, it's causing so much anxiety issues from what Blaine can see which he _knows_ Kurt isn't aware of.

_"They got a new sub and she's really cool. She like listens to us or something. I haven't got a chance to really talk with her though."_ Blaine blinks and thinks back, so Finn's not talked to anyone about this at all? Blaine flips through the page and powers on, reading.

_"This isn't my week. Burt's like really angry at me for not doing anything about this Karofsky situation but this Blaine guy doing something. I think Burt suspects that Blaine's gonna hurt Kurt too but I can't be sure. Also, Sam gave a promise ring to Quinn which doesn't only annoy me but it also makes me real sad. The wedding's great and Kurt's transferring to Dalton because of the bullying. I can't help but feel horrible that I didn't do anything."_ He wonders if Finn feels unappreciated for not having the same being offered to him, but he bites his lower lip at the thought.

_"Rache made out with Puck and that really hurt. And the thing is – I don't even want to be with her, but I'm like in every duet Rachel ever does, and it's because I'm supposed to be her leading man and if I hurt her, it's gonna cost us the competition and it'll all be my fault. ND works so hard and I can't change that."_ Blaine feels something rise in him. It's not fair to Finn for him to be together with someone he doesn't love just so he can keep public appearances at stake.

_"I broke up with Rache. Now she's sad and it's all my fault."_ Blaine can sense a pattern here, knowing that from the beginning of the year, they're on and off for most of their relationship.

"_We got the footballers joining Glee and I feel really sick whenever I see Karofsky. Sometimes, he'd really get into it and other times he'd be so off it. And the thing is having him around is making me feeling very, very uneasy and all I want to do is throw up to be honest_."

Blaine bites his lower lip. So the Karofsky situation is bad with Finn but he hasn't kissed him yet, because there are no feelings there between Kurt and Finn.

_"I put up a kissing booth so that I can give back for V-Day. Kurt called today and told me about the fat that Blaine liked tried to serenade someone at the Gap – like the romantic comedy type – and I can tell that not only was he pissed, but he was pretty hurt. Quinn kisses me and still says she has feelings for me. Rachel's angry because when she paid me, I gave her a kiss on the cheek instead of kissing her on her is really, really messed up right now." _

Blaine remembers that with a blush, and feels his heart call out. He can tell that Finn has obvious feelings for Sam but continues to get together with his string of females to maintain that status he has in Glee. He can obviously see that if Finn deters away from Rachel, she comes back after him or he goes back after her because he's convinced she needs him to keep on singing great.

_"Sam broke up with Quinn when he found out that Quinn kissed me. He's dating Santana right now. I'm jealous. Like really. Like Rachel-jealous. Enough to do something really stupid but I don't because it won't be fair to Santana or to Kurt, because he thought that Sam was gay and I shot him down. He wouldn't want me anymore. I'm not thin Quinn or pretty Santana. I'm practically nobody. He doesn't have to date me to realise I'm not worth it like they are."_

Blaine's stunned at the turn at this entry, that Finn's insecurity of his body is manifesting in his romantic decisions.

_"I get back together with Quinn. Kurt called and Blaine and him are like in a relationship right now. Burt says he's busting out the gun. I kind of like that Burt's really overprotective with Kurt,"_ and he can feel the longing again, the longing to be treated just as Kurt is, just as delicately, for valid reasons.

_"McKinley made a Night of Neglect thing. It went to total bust in the beginning but ended good. I didn't feel like celebrating afterwards even though Mr Schue tried to convince me. The thing is I don't know why I keep pushing people away. I go home and Kurt's not there, so I don't expect anything. It's just that I feel so alone even with them. I don't think that makes any sense to be honest." _

Blaine frowns at Finn's apparent loneliness.

_"I broke Rachel's nose when she was dancing and I felt bad. People always put me down because I can't dance well and I think it's probably because I'm so tall and fat so I'm probably very uncoordinated. Kurt's back in McKinley again and the Warblers like serenade him. I swear Kurt practically dies whenever Blaine opens his mouth. I'm kind of jealous. I don't know if it's because Blaine's kind of taking Kurt away from me or if it's because I want someone to serenade to me. Sam did it for Quinn before. I think."_

Blaine nods in understanding after he reads. He always had wondered why Finn's very much spiteful to him when he's entered McKinley but he can't imagine his reasons being linked back to this kind to of jealousy. He can tell that this 'little jealousy' will grow when he transfers. He can see that the entries are being more and more closely related to Finn's own self-esteem issues and insecurities as they go on.

_"Quinn tells me that it's either her or Rachel. I don't want any of them. And Sam's like living in one motel room, his and his fam because they can't afford to live anywhere else and I feel so bad for him because I thought that he was cheating on Quinn. I was on board because I wanted to see if it's true. I was kind of curious so I felt really bad when I realised that he was really just poor. He never told me though. He told Kurt and Quinn but not me and I thought we got close or something. I can still remember that during Rocky Horror, he told me to unleash my inner sexy. Now, I just feel doughier than ever, that I'm such a greedy fuck that I don't see anything anymore."_ Blaine's shocked at the end sentence, because he can feel the self-hatred between those lines too well.

_"Prom is a disaster. Kurt asked Blaine out and then all went to shit. He told me what happened later but I got kicked out because I was fighting with Jesse over Rachel. I know she's gonna hurt herself if she goes for Jesse and even though I'm not in love with her, I don't want to see her get hurt. I feel bad though because I got kicked out on purpose and then all of that happens to Kurt and I'm not there. Gosh. Again. Again this Blaine guy helps Kurt out and I'm NOT there. I don't know how I can look at my disgusting face in the mirror anymore. I hate myself so fucking much I wish I can just die." _

Blaine's shaking by the end of the entry. The self-hatred has plunged on very well, manifested itself into his mind and turned into something far greater, to the point where Finn practically hates himself enough to the point of wanting to die.

_"I break up with Quinn. We made a funeral. I'm pretty numb right now."_ The entry is only a sentence long but he can feel the tiredness.

He flips through the page and sighs. "_Nationals was a fail, where I stupidly cost us again. I thought that if I kissed Rache, that it would've really just made everything better for some reason, that she wouldn't be so angry at me, and the thing is I know that she wants me. I have to put up with it, or I'm scared they'll figure out about Sam and make fun of me for it. Blaine and Kurt are now officially 'in love' or so Kurt tells me that Blaine just belted out an 'I love you' after he said what happened in Nationals. I want to puke on Blaine's shirt."_

Blaine nearly cringes.

_"Blaine transfers to McKinley. Now I have to see their perfect romance all the time. And he's so fucking perfect. I honestly can't stand it. He's amazing, even I can tell. It's why Kurt wants him. It's why Kurt forgot about me. Oh God. I'm such a horrible person. And the thing is I can't even look at him anymore. He's so fucking patient with me that it just makes me even madder, or sadder, or both. I've never felt the pressure to be so perfect before. Like even Mom and Burt LOVE him. It's just insane. I think they love him more than they care about me. I feel hopeless. And this booty camp thing is really just an insult to me. HE MADE IT JUST SO HE CAN TEACH ME HOW TO DANCE WITHOUT BEING A DOUCHE. I know it. God."_

Blaine shuts his eyes. He doesn't think he's ever made someone envy him like this. He's always been envious of too many people. He's just the kid that's shoved around all the time. He doesn't think he's perfect and he thinks a stretch from that but Finn's mentality says otherwise.

_"Kurt's angry at Blaine. Is it wrong to feel happy? Yes. It's why I feel even more like shit for being happy that Kurt's angry. Apparently, Blaine gets his part as Tony and I KNEW it was because he was perfect. He IS perfect. And even everyone else wants him to play the lead. I'm just really sick of him."_

Blaine stares at the page and then pulls it against, hoping that he'd see an entry soon that doesn't call him perfect. He's honestly sick of being called perfect himself.

_"Rache wanted to do it for the play. I wanted it to be special for her, and she told me that she had to do it before opening night. I don't think I can be sicker in my life. The recruiter rejected me. I'm real numb. That won't happen to BLAINE of course. Not fucking BLAINE."_

_"Oh Gosh. If Santana's gonna make another comment about my weight, I will shoot myself. I can tell that I'm fat. I can tell that I can't dance. I CAN TELL." _

Blaine notices that the new few entries are just squabbles of dates and pictures of a very obese-looking penguin that seems to be getting bigger and more gross looking with every page. By the end, the penguin explodes and Blaine drops the book in his hands. He takes a few deep breaths as if to steady himself.

He cannot sleep.

* * *

The next time at Glee, he watches Finn try to master a dance move just before the choir room is filled. It's just him and Finn. He smiles when he sees him. "Hiya, Finn."

"Hey," Finn stumbles and falls and realises his shoelace is untied. He ties his shoelace, tries it again and ends up falling harder than before, flushing a deep watermelon pink colour. "Er…"

"You're getting better," Blaine tries to compliment, sending him a smile. "Plus, your posture is amazing. You're _really_ tall, Finn. Of course you're not going to be able to do a flip in the air or something. Even _I_ can't do that."

It's a lie. Blaine can do a flip in the air, and can bounce off a wall due to extensive hours at yoga with Kurt much to his dismay. And Kurt knows he can.

Finn smiles weakly. Blaine then suggests that Finn keep his head up straight and focus on his shoulders. When he shifts this time to do the move, he nails it perfectly. And now, Finn's smile is brilliant and strong as Blaine sips the open can of Diet Pepsi in his hands.

"That's great, for anyone," Blaine suddenly says, cracking a wide, beautiful smile.

When the choir room is filled, Puck accidentally charges towards the desk near Finn and Finn jumps up in sudden anxiety before he trips and tumbles on his own two feet. He flushes a brilliant pink colour and then stares at him with pursed lips. "Er…"

"You still got two left feet, Finessa?"

Now he's flushing again and he stands up and Puck laughs again. "You trip on air, bro. You're about as graceful as a giraffe."

Blaine's mouth is agape. Finn just looks down at his feet.

Seeing his attempt at building up Finn's confidence backfires, he goes to another plan as he watches Kurt demand Finn to eat the lunch he'd pre-packaged. Finn, Kurt and Blaine are sitting on their own.

Finn looks at the food as if it's going to make you gain twenty pounds, even though it's Kurt's food – a salad wrap, filled with lean turkey meat and provolone cheese. "Finn?"

Finn stares at the food as if it's going to betray him, or worse. "Hm?"

"You can eat, honey," Blaine begins and his voice is warm and sugary sweet. "You don't need to worry about putting on a few pounds."

"Is that what this is about?" Kurt begins. "Finn you are a football player that has a large frame and fairly dense bones. I hardly think that you constitute as fat. Eat it, sweetie."

Finn takes a tentative bite. The tentative ones lapse into proper bites, and Kurt smiles, thanking Blaine as Blaine nods off towards him. Then Santana appears towards their table.

"Awe, Hummel takes _care_ of you and makes you your own food," Santana begins to say. "Did you try to tell him that a few good meals isn't enough to offset the pepperoni and cheese pizzas the man binges on—?'

"He does _not_ binge!" Kurt says in defence. Blaine notices Finn has stopped eating by then and looks tentative, uncertain, and hurt. He looks hopefully at Finn. "Finn, I made it for you."

That seems to get him as he starts to eat through the wrap, but it doesn't seem like he's tasting the food, almost like he's aware he's ingesting calories and he doesn't want to anymore. He looks rather tired, and aloof and so sad that Kurt's heart punctures. "Finn."

"I'm fat." Finn says after a while. "I'm _fat_, Kurt."

This seems to make his self-esteem go insane, as Sam approaches them with a soft smile on his face and suddenly, Blaine stares at Kurt and signals for them to leave, only mouthing a 'I'll tell you about it later'. Sam sits down beside Finn and they talk for a while. Sam notices that Finn has left the wrap there, and then Sam offers his fries. Finn says no. Sam frowns. "Finn, are you okay?"

Finn nods his head. "Y-yeah."

"You look like you're tired," Sam mumbles in slight concern.

Finn nods his head. "Yeah. I…I am."

Sam stares at Finn for the longest of time before staring down at the half-eaten wrap. "You gonna eat that?" Sam asks, and then Finn shoves the plate towards him. "No…I mean, you should," Sam awkwardly states.

Finn opens his mouth as if to say something.

Finn then picks up the wrap and starts consuming it slowly. Sam smiles warmly and watches Finn lay his hand on top of his own. Sam stares at it, but doesn't say a word. Finn pretends that Sam hasn't noticed as he continues to slowly eat through the wrap.

"Mercedes is here," Finn glances at Mercedes and Shane and then stands up and leaves. Sam is confused. Finn's broken.

* * *

The next time Blaine hears Puck snorting at him when Finn falls down during booty camp is the _last_ straw.

"That's fucking enough!" Blaine snaps and Kurt stares at his boyfriend as if he's just gone insane. "I am sick and tired of you berating him! On his dance moves when you know he's trying, on his weight when you know he has body issues, and I fucking _hate_ that you just keep mocking him. Every time I do this one little thing that makes him feel good about himself, you take it away from him—"

"Anderson, are you fucking Hudson?"

Blaine completely ignores this statement from Santana. "You," he points his finger towards Santana. Then he points it to most of the New Directions, and then points to himself, "_We_…hurt him. I didn't mean to but some of you are deliberately putting him down and if anyone gave half the grief they do to Britt, or Quinn, or Rache, then you'd back them up too and the thing is Finn has issues. Like real ones."

"And how do you know this, Curls?"

Blaine finally explodes. "Because I read his journal!"

Finn pales. "You did…you did _what_? That thing was private!"

Blaine pales and looks at his eyes. "I know it, Finn and it's nothing to be ashamed of. He was scared of Karofsky and Azimio as much as Kurt was. He feels alone. A lot. He hates himself. And I hate reading those words, how numb and alone he feels…" Blaine steps back and shuts his eyes. "The fact that he's only together for Rachel is because everyone expects him to. He likes _Sam_."

Sam blushes at this.

"But he can't get together with him also because he told Kurt not to do that duet and he feels like if he does, then he'll be hypocritical. He talked about everything, Sam breaking up with Quinn and him dating Quinn and then breaking up with her to date Rache…does that just spell out confusion to you? Because it does _to me_. I've only been together with two people in my life. I've only loved two people…" Blaine looks down at his feet. "And then there's _me_."

Blaine looks at Finn. "You hated me so bad. Because I was 'everything you couldn't be', I was that perfect bastard but I'm not perfect. I have anxiety issues that keep me from falling asleep after the Sadie Hawkins Dance. I explode sometimes when I'm angry—"

Blaine sighs. "Just like _now_."

There's silence in the room. Just as Mr Schue walks into the choir room, he notices Finn stifle and then leave. Blaine looks down and realises that this is the biggest thing he'd fucked up in a long time. Everyone's now laughing at him for standing up for Finn.

Blaine feels an empty hole inside of him.

That night, Blaine Anderson is sleepless again.


End file.
